Tag: Relationship

• How to maintain a long-distance relationship

  “Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.” – Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

  Sustenance of a relationship demands more than the mere presence of love. I am sure those of you in a deep-seated relationship know what I mean by this. Patience, acceptance, faith, control over expectations, trust are just to name a few. True love, when mingled by all these compliments, helps sustain a relationship the ravages of time.

  What about relationships where the partners are physically separated from each other by several miles lying between them? Well, that magnifies the efforts manifold, that too from both the sides. The rope of such relationships has to be held firmly and tactfully at both the ends, lest it is dropped unintentionally.

  Maintaining a relationship separated by distances a tedious and say, tough task, but not an impossibility. And in case you are on a hunt on ‘how to maintain a long-distance relationship’, kudos, you have landed in the right place!

  A note on the psyche

  I know you are missing your partner, longing to be with them, yearning to jump the distances and alighting in his/her arms! Love does absurd things to us, and this is only one of them.

  It is known that you are terribly missing him/her. And another known truth is that your partner is missing you equally bad. Both of you are stuck in the same situation, i.e. yearning to be with each other. This would give birth to frustration. You’ll miss them, but couldn’t be with them would make you hapless and frustrated.

  If this is your condition, your beloved partner too must be in a similar condition. Missing one another and being unable to be with each other would frustrate you both, naturally. And eventually, though unintentionally, that frustration caused by being unable to be with one another, would end up being vented on each other. Latent seeds of discord sow themselves with the roots of your relationship. These, with the passage of time, germinate into shoots of fights and at times unfortunate break-ups between previously well-going partners.

  WHAT TO DO?

  A plethora of articles and people talk about ‘what NOT to do’ in long-distance relationships. That followed ceremoniously, the looming question staggers behind- ‘What to actually do?’

  So, before ranting about the ‘Not’s’, I will talk about the necessary ‘To Dos’.

  • A very obvious and baseline suggestion- stay in regular touch with your partner. The modern era that we live in provides no dearth of means to connect with those who live miles away from us. No matter how busy you both might get, drop a bunch of texts asking, “How was your day?”

  This seemingly invalid question carries hidden sparkles of magic within it that would instantaneously light up your partner, even if he/she had a rough day. These simple and small gestures of love are what constitute the oceans of love.

  • ‘A phone call a day keeps quarrels at bay!’

  Hope it’s not much of a gigantic task, to make at least one phone call to your partner once a day. Perhaps, they didn’t call you yet, and grudgingly you are waiting for them to call you. Oh dear, don’t make it much of a deal. Pick up the phone and dial their number, which perhaps rests on your fingertips itself. Imagine the happiness you’d bestow upon them (and yourself too, of course) by delighting them with your number popping up on their phone screen after a much longer and hassled day!

  • Uphold your trust in your partner. Have enough trust in them, so that you do not lead yourself to believe untrue possibilities of your partner has fallen in love with someone else. Trust them to trust you. Trust them with the fact that, no matter how far life leads them, they will always gravitate back to you.

  Remember, ‘Trust is the bedrock of all relationships’. Deeper the trust, stronger the relationship!

  • Putting forth a slightly disheartening contrast of point 1 and 2. Due to some unforeseeable and at times, uncontrollable circumstances, a daily conversation (be it text, or calls) might not be possible. And when that occurs, do neither feel dejected nor let your mind concoct any fallacies.

  Let not your patience wear out, nor your trust dwindle. You might have to go days without hearing a word from your partner. That doesn’t mean ‘Things have changed between us’, ‘Our love is diminishing day-by-day’ or ‘He/she doesn’t love me same’.

  • Above all, ‘Have faith in your partner, your love and the forces of Universe’.

  It is truly said that “Faith can move mountains”. Greater the faith, stronger the chances of your love braving the distances between you both. A healthy relationship is one wherein, you can spend time apart, but can’t wait to be back with each other!

  WHAT NOT TO DO?

  Coming back to the much-fretted question- ‘What NOT to do when in a long-distance relationship?’

  Sometimes, seemingly small and trivial things or words render great damage. And this situation is more prone to arise amidst lovers separated by long distances. a love relationship is a highly malleable bond. Given that, long-distance relationships obviously are far more delicate. A small conflict, or maybe even a misunderstanding could take monstrous forms and may at times end up in breaking up.

  Here are a few things to avoid, to prevent such wrecking of your ‘relationships’!

  • First and foremost, do Not let the frustration (caused by missing one another) land upon the blameless head of your partner. Know that they are missing you as much you are missing them. Venting out your unguarded frustration on each other would only aggravate the tension between you both.
  • Somewhat similar to the previous point, here’s a note on managing your anger. Consider a situation. Your partner does something silly. Say, forgot to call and congratulate you on the 3^rd anniversary of your first coffee date. You are, for sure, hell mad at them for this carelessness on their part, and in no mood to listen to any sensible excuses.

  Now, put a check dam around the spontaneous flow of your anger.  Some amount of anger is absolutely justifiable (and yes, to an extent necessary too). But anger exceeding limits of rationality would bring irreparable casualties in your already perilous relationship.

  • Be vigilant and do not let misunderstandings sneak in.

  Misunderstandings often become the cause for fragmentation of otherwise smooth sailing relationships. Despite the unforgivable careless habits of your partner and despite the several days spent without talking; do not give way to misunderstandings to slip in from any of the doors. Let not stupid assumptions or fearful suspicions overpower the faith in your love and your partner.

  • I am a firm believer of the fact that, ‘Everything happens for the good.’ The same theory can be applied in long-distance relationships as well.

  Be a steadfast optimist, and go on to believe that, the distance put up between you and your partner is a bend in your sojourn, after which the path will be much beautiful. Or take it the way- The distance between you both is just another parameter by the universal forces to measure the strength of your love!

  Love is such intense and divine an emotion that neither geographical distances nor years spent apart could diminish it. True love walks through the fire of distances and emerges as a radiant diamond.

  Summing it all in six simple words- “Distance makes the hearts grow fonder!”

  October 7, 2018

  boyfriend, cheating, couple, difficult, distance relationships, distant relations, faith, family, far distance relationship, fiance, girlfriend, happy, hope, husband, life, long distance, optimism, problems, Relationship, separated, trust, wife

  ---

• Delving into the paradigm of a toxic friendship

  “It took me way too long to realise that you shouldn’t stay friends with people who never ask you how you’re doing.” – Anonymous

  “She’s my friend, after all. Her words shouldn’t hurt me, neither her random rants bother me. But, they somehow do disturb me. What’s wrong with me? We’re friends, aren’t we?”

  If you are stuck asking questions like this to yourself, then you have landed yourself in the right place dear reader!

  Not a fact to be denied that not every friend is a ‘friend indeed’. Some are mortifying snipers while some are opportunist backstabbers. There is a very feeble line between a healthy friendship and a toxic one. For that matter, it is not quite an easy task to identify the toxicity hidden within folds of a relationship. Granted it isn’t tough, but for sure ain’t impossible. Here’s a small list of pointers that might aid you to identify whether or not your friendship is toxic.

  1- One-sided efforts

  It’s not just love relationships that face the issues if one-sided commitment. Any relationship requires an equal amount of commitment, dedication and efforts from both the parties involved. Yes, even friendships do. You might feel the dread that you are the only one rowing the boat of your friendship and that your friend is leisurely watching you toil.

  Perhaps, you are always there for them, to support them, to applaud at their achievements and to hold their hand as they walk through turbulent storms. Sadly, it is equally possible that you may find yourself standing lonesome during your tough times. Even at seemingly trivial matters, this can be visible. Your friend showing up late more than often, throwing a carefree attitude to your complaints or disregarding your efforts to keep things smoothly going – are all clearly visible signs of one-sided efforts.

  2- You are not yourself when you are with them

  To put it simply; with them you feel pressurised to conceal who you truly are. When with them, you keep on changing several masks and hide your real self, all this is done either to impress them or to avoid being judged by them.

  A constant apprehension persists, of what they will say or feel if you expose your most candid self before them. A friendship wherein you are forced (though not on the surface) to act someone you really aren’t, is the one slowly turning toxic for you. A healthy friendship is the one in which both of you feel free to be who you are without any hindrances or fear of being judged.

  3- There is no scope of constructive criticism 

  Okay, it is highly true that a true friend not only appreciates your goodness and virtues but also points out your misdoings and shortcomings for your own good. But these criticisms need to be genuine in nature and not cold mockery. In short, you shouldn’t feel pained when they criticise you.

  What if their criticisms aren’t so warm and are uttered with seeming motives to put you down? Some people put pointers on your shortcomings with sole intentions of inflicting pain on you. Beware of such people and their ‘friendship’. They aren’t friends really, but vicious people who savour a voluptuous laughter at the expense of your misdoings.

  4- They want you all to themselves

  Call it obsessiveness, or call it love, these friends do not wish to share your friendship with anybody else. They feel jealous of your other friends and want all of your time, attention and care to themselves. Agreed that a pinch of jealousy is good and actually healthy in a friendship, but an excess of it starts to spill toxicity in friendships.

  So, watch out for friends who are reluctant to share the treat of your friendship with other people. Their obsessiveness with you is charming to an extent, but beyond that, it makes your friendship with them a toxic one.

  5- You feel that they take you for granted; perhaps they really do.

  There may be times when you feel that the other person takes your presence in their life for granted. This apprehension may thankfully not be true every time, but unfortunately, sometimes it is. Probably you are their 2a.m friend and always available at their perusal.

  It might also be a bitter truth that they are seldom present when you need them. Some or the other excuse lies ever-ready to explain their absence when you need them the most. The excuses sometimes would no doubt be genuine; but not always. If it repeats few times, then it can be neglected, but if they do it more than often, I am sorry to say that you are just a ‘for-granted’ individual in their life.

  6- Your friend tries to control every little thing- even in your life!

  It may not be very easy to identify the controlling behaviour of a friend. Even when identified, it is a tougher task to label or not label it to be toxic. Some amount of controlling-ness can be attributed to their nature. But, not always can such behaviours be side-lined and ignored.

  If it is always your friend who decides where you both go for outings, what you order to eat, or overruling perceptions about somebody; and your viewpoint is often subjugated, know that you are trapped in a toxic friendship.

  7- Do you find yourself constantly making excuses for them?

  Maybe you are too virtuous and soft-hearted to be unable to discern their subtle gestures of putting you down, humiliating you, ignoring your calls, among many other forgiven and forgotten things. They may find their easy escape from clutches of your fury, owing to your generosity and courteous nature.

  It is fairly possible that you are the very person giving excuses for their misdemeanours and of contemptuous words and deeds. You shield them from your own anger and stand as their defence.  And in doing so, unintentionally, you get yourself trapped deeper and deeper in the labyrinth if their toxic friendship.

  8- Feel something is wrong? Maybe there really is.

  Well, if you perceive any or all of the “symptoms” existent in your friendship with one or more persons, then wake up and start acting!

  These subtle nuances might not be easily perceivable. You may have to analyse a seeming troublesome friendship till the root level in order to grasp where and what the fault lays. And once you are sure that a certain level of toxicity does exist in your friendship, then wait no more; and start acting upon it as soon as possible.

  Do give a try sorting out things with your friend. But, if your friend is too hard-headed to understand what you are trying to say, then please, step out of that friendship, before the poison from it starts to corrode your happiness and well-being!

  “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you Happy!” – Robert Tew

  August 31, 2018

  arugement, bad friends, bad friendship, best friends, bff, boy, boyfriend, boys group, bullying, childhood friend, classmate, fight with friend, friend, friend circle, friends, friendship, girl, girlfriend, girls group, group, happiness, life, mean friends, new friend, old friend, problems, Relationship, saddness, signs of bad friend, signs of toxic friendship, toxic friends, toxic friendship, wrong friends

  ---

• How do I recognize toxic friends?

  “It took me way too long to realise that you shouldn’t stay friends with people who never ask you how you’re doing.” – Anonymous

  “She’s my friend, after all. Her words shouldn’t hurt me, neither her random rants bother me. But, they somehow do disturb me. What’s wrong with me? We’re friends, aren’t we?”

  Are you wondering ‘how do I recognize toxic friends?’ If you are stuck asking questions like this to yourself, then you have landed yourself in the right place dear reader!

  Not a fact to be denied that not every friend is a ‘friend indeed’. Some are mortifying snipers while some are opportunist backstabbers. There is a very feeble line between a healthy friendship and a toxic one. For that matter, it is not quite an easy task to identify the toxicity hidden within folds of a relationship. Granted it isn’t tough, but for sure ain’t impossible. Here’s a small list of pointers that might aid you to identify whether or not your friendship is toxic.

  1- One-sided efforts

  It’s not just love relationships that face the issues if one-sided commitment. Any relationship requires an equal amount of commitment, dedication and efforts from both the parties involved. Yes, even friendships do. You might feel the dread that you are the only one rowing the boat of your friendship and that your friend is leisurely watching you toil.

  Perhaps, you are always there for them, to support them, to applaud at their achievements and to hold their hand as they walk through turbulent storms. Sadly, it is equally possible that you may find yourself standing lonesome during your tough times. Even at seemingly trivial matters, this can be visible. Your friend showing up late more than often, throwing a carefree attitude to your complaints or disregarding your efforts to keep things smoothly going – are all clearly visible signs of one-sided efforts.

  2- You are not yourself when you are with them

  To put it simply; with them you feel pressurised to conceal who you truly are. When with them, you keep on changing several masks and hide your real self, all this is done either to impress them or to avoid being judged by them.

  A constant apprehension persists, of what they will say or feel if you expose your most candid self before them. A friendship wherein you are forced (though not on the surface) to act someone you really aren’t, is the one slowly turning toxic for you. A healthy friendship is the one in which both of you feel free to be who you are without any hindrances or fear of being judged.

  3- There is no scope of constructive criticism 

  Okay, it is highly true that a true friend not only appreciates your goodness and virtues but also points out your misdoings and shortcomings for your own good. But these criticisms need to be genuine in nature and not cold mockery. In short, you shouldn’t feel pained when they criticise you.

  What if their criticisms aren’t so warm and are uttered with seeming motives to put you down? Some people put pointers on your shortcomings with sole intentions of inflicting pain on you. Beware of such people and their ‘friendship’. They aren’t friends really, but vicious people who savour a voluptuous laughter at the expense of your misdoings.

  4- They want you all to themselves

  Call it obsessiveness, or call it love, these friends do not wish to share your friendship with anybody else. They feel jealous of your other friends and want all of your time, attention and care to themselves. Agreed that a pinch of jealousy is good and actually healthy in a friendship, but an excess of it starts to spill toxicity in friendships.

  So, watch out for friends who are reluctant to share the treat of your friendship with other people. Their obsessiveness with you is charming to an extent, but beyond that, it makes your friendship with them a toxic one.

  5- You feel that they take you for granted; perhaps they really do.

  There may be times when you feel that the other person takes your presence in their life for granted. This apprehension may thankfully not be true every time, but unfortunately, sometimes it is. Probably you are their 2a.m friend and always available at their perusal.

  It might also be a bitter truth that they are seldom present when you need them. Some or the other excuse lies ever-ready to explain their absence when you need them the most. The excuses sometimes would no doubt be genuine; but not always. If it repeats few times, then it can be neglected, but if they do it more than often, I am sorry to say that you are just a ‘for-granted’ individual in their life.

  6- Your friend tries to control every little thing- even in your life!

  It may not be very easy to identify the controlling behaviour of a friend. Even when identified, it is a tougher task to label or not label it to be toxic. Some amount of controlling-ness can be attributed to their nature. But, not always can such behaviours be side-lined and ignored.

  If it is always your friend who decides where you both go for outings, what you order to eat, or overruling perceptions about somebody; and your viewpoint is often subjugated, know that you are trapped in a toxic friendship.

  7- Do you find yourself constantly making excuses for them?

  Maybe you are too virtuous and soft-hearted to be unable to discern their subtle gestures of putting you down, humiliating you, ignoring your calls, among many other forgiven and forgotten things. They may find their easy escape from clutches of your fury, owing to your generosity and courteous nature.

  It is fairly possible that you are the very person giving excuses for their misdemeanours and of contemptuous words and deeds. You shield them from your own anger and stand as their defence.  And in doing so, unintentionally, you get yourself trapped deeper and deeper in the labyrinth if their toxic friendship.

  8- Feel something is wrong? Maybe there really is.

  Well, if you perceive any or all of the “symptoms” existent in your friendship with one or more persons, then wake up and start acting!

  These subtle nuances might not be easily perceivable. You may have to analyse a seeming troublesome friendship till the root level in order to grasp where and what the fault lays. And once you are sure that a certain level of toxicity does exist in your friendship, then wait no more; and start acting upon it as soon as possible.

  Do give a try sorting out things with your friend. But, if your friend is too hard-headed to understand what you are trying to say, then please, step out of that friendship, before the poison from it starts to corrode your happiness and well-being!

  “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you Happy!” – Robert Tew

  August 31, 2018

  arugement, bad friends, bad friendship, best friends, bff, boy, boyfriend, boys group, bullying, childhood friend, classmate, fight with friend, friend, friend circle, friends, friendship, girl, girlfriend, girls group, group, happiness, life, mean friends, new friend, old friend, problems, Relationship, saddness, signs of bad friend, signs of toxic friendship, toxic friends, toxic friendship, wrong friends

  ---

• Compromise- is it really important?

  It is a universally acknowledged truth that a human being, who is in a relationship will have to make compromises in every sphere of their life. This brings up the question of compromise- is it really important?

  Any person who is married or about to get married, or who is in a relationship for that matter, will definitely keep getting pieces of advice from well-meaning people about how they will both have to make compromises in their life to be happy. This is actually the truth of life, that you will probably have to make some compromises in all sectors of life to be successful, purely because life does not always throw ideal situations to us and we have to make the best of what we have. Even in relationships, this cardinal truth remains constant.

  Any person who has lived in hostels will attest to the fact that there may be differences in the smallest of matters. One may not like too many visitors, the other may not like that the house is always super organized, and another person may get annoyed with their partner’s habitual forgetfulness. What I am trying to say is, love is easy. It is the living together part of things that lead to complications. This is because the whole lifestyle, the way of thinking, habits and preferences are different. So, both the partners have to be flexible and find a middle ground. Perhaps, try living in with each other first.

  However, it also is important to draw a line on compromises. For instance, if you’re partner finds your passion for dancing, childish and shuts you down. Or say, they forbid you from meeting some of your friends because they are jealous/insecure. Do you still make compromises in such cases? Well, it depends. I think in such situations, you need to ask yourself if your partner’s objection is justified. IS this friend really a bad influence perhaps? Is the dancing really impacting you negatively?

  Compromise- but one cannot compromise on fundamental things about themselves and one shouldn’t do it either. There are a few cardinal things that aren’t right or wrong. They are just the way you are. Unless essential, you shouldn’t change those things. The truth is, changing these cardinal things will leave you unhappy in the long run.

  Following a simple line of questioning should help in navigating these issues. But, it is never black and white. Matters of relationships and of the heart are all subjective and a matter of your understanding. In simple words, compromising is necessary, yes. But never compromise so much that you give up your individuality. You and your preferences are just as important as the relationship.

  A healthy relationship, after all, comes out of mutual respect for self and your partner.

  August 24, 2018

  attraction, boyfriend, compromise, conflict, crush, fiance, fights, girlfriend, husband, life, live in, live-in relationships, marriage, probelms, Relationship, respect, sacrifices, self respect, trust, wife

  ---

• How to know if it’s love or just addiction?

  In the words of one of the greatest motivational speakers Sandeep Maheshwari, “Love is not a temporary feeling or emotion. Emotions and feelings change; sometimes daily, but true unconditional love is ever-lasting!”

  Consider a scenario. You’ve been living with a person for quite a few years in a row. You have spent with each other the best as well as the worst of times, through myriad sunrises and sunsets. Time spent apart from one another seems tormenting and hard to pass by. You definitely cannot picture a life without him/her. So, let me ask a nonchalant question; ‘Is it love?’

  Have faith in me, it is not such perplexing a deal to figure out whether it’s true love or mere addiction. You’ve landed yourself in the right place if this is the answer you are seeking!

  Take a hypothetical situation ladies and gentlemen. You had a major fight with someone at your home, or maybe with your best friend. Your heart is flooded with innumerable emotions, that of anger, hurt, resentment and much more. You are offered a pint of pungent beer, garnished with cubes of ice. A sip down your throat relieves the burning sensations in your heart. Eventually, the entirety and gravity of the situation begin to dissolve into thin air. Your heart, mind and body all feel the ecstatic soothing sensation of alcohol running in your veins.
  Pleasurable, wasn’t it? No doubt it was. And the enchantress alcohol lures you towards itself slowly. When the next quarrel occurs, your muddled head and racing heart light up by the thought of the calming sting of alcohol. Now that alcohol, which was initially consumed by you for temporary stress removal has become a daily and much-needed dose of pleasure. A week or perhaps a day without it seems miserable and wasted. In other words, you have become addicted to it.
  The same phenomenon applies to individuals as well. We get addicted to not only alcohol, nicotine and caffeine but also to human beings.

  Here’s how-
  You are in midst of a grave crisis; be it emotional, physical or social in nature. Just then, someone enters the threshold of your life, takes your hand, gives you a warm smile and lifts you up. You confide in him/her. He/she, like a saviour, helps you come out of it all. With time, your bond with that person gets strengthened.
  In this way you become thoroughly intoxicated with that person; just the way an alcoholic becomes intoxicated with alcohol.

  Now imagine if your worst fears come true and the alcohol that you highly prize suddenly vanishes from your life. And as you expected, your resistance to tough situations diminishes, you start feeling miserable, and to an extent, even helpless and lonely.
  But hold on dear friend; now someone comes to your rescue, offering you a handful of cigarettes. You smoke one. Two. Three. And so on. It feels equally re-vitalizing and soothing, isn’t it? Slowly, the addiction to alcohol starts getting transferred to cigarettes. Over time, subtly, you get as addicted to cigarettes as you were to alcohol once. Now life without cigarettes seems a big deal to handle.
  An alcoholic would say he loves alcohol. A smoker would claim he loves cigarettes. Come on, do they? We all know the answer.
  Dig deeper a bit, and you will begin to realise that we get addicted to human beings in a similar manner, and mistake it as love. We derive certain kind of pleasures (be it emotional, mental, physical and the like) from someone, or maybe just by their mere presence. We look for someone who could fulfil our needs and/or desires, someone who completes us as a person, fills in the missing gaps in the jigsaw puzzle of our lives.
  And not everyone is able to fulfil these pre-requisites. So, as soon as we find someone who does pass these criteria,  we label it as ‘love’. For some duration of time, that person becomes the perfect epitome of a human being that we seek. With those gaps in us and our lives filled in by that person, we achieve a sense of fulfilment and feel sated.
  But, we are all constantly shaped by the environments that we live in and thus constantly evolving and changing. As life proceeds, our personalities and lives begin to develop newer gaps, with new desires and demands, which might not be necessary for that person’s capacity to fulfil. And with the pleasure waves having stopped emanating from that person, we begin to feel that there is no more love between you two and that he/she is not the ‘one’. Now, someone else would be in an apt position to bridge in our gaps and give us the pleasures that we seek, we would be driven to believe that we have fallen in love with this new person.

  Well, let me tell you, all these are mere facades of love.
  Real and the most pristine form of love can germinate where both the persons are complete in themselves. They do not look onto the other person to fulfil them or fill in the missing gaps in their entity. Instead of seeking pleasures and happiness in the other person, they find/create reservoirs of bliss within their own selves. Before looking for another person to love them, they embrace and love their own selves first.
  And when this exquisite state is attained by a person, only then is he/she in a position to love another human being. Because now, that they are fully self-reliant and happy by themselves, they can look into the needs and happiness of other people.
  And yes, most importantly; love is NOT a smooth sailing ship.
  • Love is not just when you can share your happiness with them. It is also when you can share tears and misfortunes together.
  • Love is when you can go on days without each other doing your respective works, but can’t wait to be with each other again.
  • Love is not a story of always agreeing with one another and having similar viewpoints. It is when you can have opinions poles apart, yet lean to come to a mutual agreement.
  • Love is not really what we see in fancy movies and romantic songs. The perfect love story is not the one that we see on ‘Relationship Goals’ posts on social media.

  Thus, it is important to differentiate between addiction to another person and being in love with another person. It is easy to get confused, which leads to a lot of heartbreaks and issues, but if you understand this concept once, then you can at least recognize your own emotions effectively. This recognition will help you deal with such situations in a better manner.

  August 8, 2018

  addiction, am i in love?, attraction, best friend love, boyfriend, breakup, does he love me, does she love me, friendship, girlfriend, is this love, like, love, lover, marriage, Relationship, romantic, what is love?

  ---

• How do I know if it is love?

  In the words of one of the greatest motivational speakers Sandeep Maheshwari, “Love is not a temporary feeling or emotion. Emotions and feelings change; sometimes daily, but true unconditional love is ever-lasting!”

  Consider a scenario. You’ve been living with a person for quite a few years in a row. You have spent with each other the best as well as the worst of times, through myriad sunrises and sunsets. Time spent apart from one another seems tormenting and hard to pass by. You definitely cannot picture a life without him/her. So, let me ask a nonchalant question; ‘Is it love?

  Have faith in me, it is not such perplexing a deal to figure out whether it’s true love or mere addiction. You’ve landed yourself in the right place if this is the answer you are seeking!

  Take a hypothetical situation ladies and gentlemen. You had a major fight with someone at your home, or maybe with your best friend. Your heart is flooded with innumerable emotions, that of anger, hurt, resentment and much more. You are offered a pint of pungent beer, garnished with cubes of ice. A sip down your throat relieves the burning sensations in your heart. Eventually, the entirety and gravity of the situation begin to dissolve into thin air. Your heart, mind and body all feel the ecstatic soothing sensation of alcohol running in your veins.
  Pleasurable, wasn’t it? No doubt it was. And the enchantress alcohol lures you towards itself slowly. When the next quarrel occurs, your muddled head and racing heart light up by the thought of the calming sting of alcohol. Now that alcohol, which was initially consumed by you for temporary stress removal has become a daily and much-needed dose of pleasure. A week or perhaps a day without it seems miserable and wasted. In other words, you have become addicted to it.
  The same phenomenon applies to individuals as well. We get addicted to not only alcohol, nicotine and caffeine but also to human beings.

  Here’s how-
  You are in midst of a grave crisis; be it emotional, physical or social in nature. Just then, someone enters the threshold of your life, takes your hand, gives you a warm smile and lifts you up. You confide in him/her. He/she, like a saviour, helps you come out of it all. With time, your bond with that person gets strengthened.
  In this way you become thoroughly intoxicated with that person; just the way an alcoholic becomes intoxicated with alcohol.

  Now imagine if your worst fears come true and the alcohol that you highly prize suddenly vanishes from your life. And as you expected, your resistance to tough situations diminishes, you start feeling miserable, and to an extent, even helpless and lonely.
  But hold on dear friend; now someone comes to your rescue, offering you a handful of cigarettes. You smoke one. Two. Three. And so on. It feels equally re-vitalizing and soothing, isn’t it? Slowly, the addiction to alcohol starts getting transferred to cigarettes. Over time, subtly, you get as addicted to cigarettes as you were to alcohol once. Now life without cigarettes seems a big deal to handle.
  An alcoholic would say he loves alcohol. A smoker would claim he loves cigarettes. Come on, do they? We all know the answer.
  Dig deeper a bit, and you will begin to realise that we get addicted to human beings in a similar manner, and mistake it as love. We derive certain kind of pleasures (be it emotional, mental, physical and the like) from someone, or maybe just by their mere presence. We look for someone who could fulfil our needs and/or desires, someone who completes us as a person, fills in the missing gaps in the jigsaw puzzle of our lives.
  And not everyone is able to fulfil these pre-requisites. So, as soon as we find someone who does pass these criteria,  we label it as ‘love’. For some duration of time, that person becomes the perfect epitome of a human being that we seek. With those gaps in us and our lives filled in by that person, we achieve a sense of fulfilment and feel sated.
  But, we are all constantly shaped by the environments that we live in and thus constantly evolving and changing. As life proceeds, our personalities and lives begin to develop newer gaps, with new desires and demands, which might not be necessary for that person’s capacity to fulfil. And with the pleasure waves having stopped emanating from that person, we begin to feel that there is no more love between you two and that he/she is not the ‘one’. Now, someone else would be in an apt position to bridge in our gaps and give us the pleasures that we seek, we would be driven to believe that we have fallen in love with this new person.

  Well, let me tell you, all these are mere facades of love.
  Real and the most pristine form of love can germinate where both the persons are complete in themselves. They do not look onto the other person to fulfil them or fill in the missing gaps in their entity. Instead of seeking pleasures and happiness in the other person, they find/create reservoirs of bliss within their own selves. Before looking for another person to love them, they embrace and love their own selves first.
  And when this exquisite state is attained by a person, only then is he/she in a position to love another human being. Because now, that they are fully self-reliant and happy by themselves, they can look into the needs and happiness of other people.
  And yes, most importantly; love is NOT a smooth sailing ship.
  • Love is not just when you can share your happiness with them. It is also when you can share tears and misfortunes together.
  • Love is when you can go on days without each other doing your respective works, but can’t wait to be with each other again.
  • Love is not a story of always agreeing with one another and having similar viewpoints. It is when you can have opinions poles apart, yet lean to come to a mutual agreement.
  • Love is not really what we see in fancy movies and romantic songs. The perfect love story is not the one that we see on ‘Relationship Goals’ posts on social media.

  Thus, it is important to differentiate between addiction to another person and being in love with another person. It is easy to get confused, which leads to a lot of heartbreaks and issues, but if you understand this concept once, then you can at least recognize your own emotions effectively. This recognition will help you deal with such situations in a better manner.

  August 8, 2018

  addiction, am i in love?, attraction, best friend love, boyfriend, breakup, does he love me, does she love me, friendship, girlfriend, is this love, like, love, lover, marriage, Relationship, romantic, what is love?

  ---

• “About us” and “About others” in a relationship

  In this ultra-social era, we are constantly talking about others and ourselves without thinking twice about its consequences. This oversharing of information and preoccupation with others leads to conflicts, bitterness and often a disintegration of relationships. Amidst a huge amount of facts and details on relationships, there is a crucial point that is always missed, and astonishingly no one actually talks about it.

  So today we are going to explore a simple concept of how talking ‘about others’ and talking ‘about us’ can lead to problems in a relationship.

  “I think for any relationship to be successful, there needs to be loving communication, appreciation, and understanding.” -Miranda Kerr

   TALKING ‘ABOUT OTHERS’

  The surface of most relationships starts cracking when the talk between the two partners starts to centre on ‘others’, rather than themselves.

  We’re social beings, living in an ultra-social era as stated before. Hence it is very natural that, while conversing, two people would brush upon the lives of other people. That other person might be/ might not be in good books of the couple. Perhaps, he/she might be in good books of one partner, and not so liked by the other partner. Eventually, yet unintentionally the couple ends up making the ‘other’ person the sole topic of their conversation for a long time. Their often contrasting views on her/him then become the cause of discord and disagreements between them.

  Try to think of the recent conversation you had with your loved one, and think about how much time you let slip by, talking about another person.

  As talks between the two partners shift from being focused on them to ‘others’ who are often insignificant in their lives, their bonds start to wear off. Worse, the slight disagreements on the ‘other’ people lead to heated arguments. Thus, begins the process of disintegration of a healthy relationship.

  TALKING ‘ABOUT EACH OTHER’

  A successful relationship is not the one where there are zero fights or 100 agreements. It is the one wherein there are fights, disagreements, arguments, and every single thing that may seem like a head-long war to the inexperienced eye. But here lies the catch, these frequent (or not so frequent) banters occur NOT with the motive to put one’s partner down, or to prove him/her wrong. They occur so as to reach a healthy conclusion. As said earlier, it isn’t a pre-requisite that two partners in love need to have everything in common, even the disagreements and differences of opinions are a sign of love!

  Such arguments should not provoke you to go outside and chat with your colleagues/friends about bickering with your spouse/partner. AVOID GOSSIPING about your partner. It is a very common habit to discuss our relationships with our friends or whosoever we hold close to our hearts. Seldom have we realized these seemingly trivial chats with our mates, is another way where cracks start developing in a smooth-going relationship.

  It is high time that we stop talking about our respective partners in a negative manner. You can talk about your partner or discuss about your relationship, but it should be done in a manner that is respectful to your partner and your relationship.

  

  Here comes the redeeming ray of hope: WHAT TO DO?

  As for the first issue, the solution is just a simple technique.

  Stop talking about others and start talking about yourselves (In your relationship)

  Be it a marital relationship or any other kind of relationship, it is immensely crucial that the two people find time to actually talk to one another about themselves. Regardless of how long two people have been together, they could never say that they fully know each other. Knowing a person takes a lifetime, and at times even that may not suffice.

  “Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others.” -Wayne Dyer

  These are some simple things you can start doing:

  • Start talking about each other- your dreams, thoughts and so on.
  • Take a decision to be completely honest and open with each other
  • Discover newer likes and dislikes of your partner’s as well as your own
  • Find parallels between their aspirations and your priorities
  • Dig out each other’s deepest fears, insecurities, and secrets
  • Seek apologies for your shortcomings and forgiving them for theirs
  • Most importantly, look into their eyes and drown for some time in the depths of love they bear for you (Enjoy the silence).

  As for the second one, the strategy is again a simple one, but tough to adhere to.

   Stop talking about each other and start talking to each other

  Yes, it sounds pretty similar to the one mentioned above, and in many ways it really is, yet it is much more complex to apply. Talking about your respective partner to an outsider won’t help you or your existing relationship. It might provide you with temporary respite, but the real problem would still exist. Moreover, the third person would be able to view the situation just from your perspective and thus may provide you with a biased opinion. Applying that incomplete and often inappropriate formula to your relationship would only enhance the damage.

  “People must be taken as they are, and we should never try making them or ourselves better by quarrelling with them.” – Edmund Burke 

  Some simple things you can start doing:

  • Do not taunt your partner in a demeaning manner, about their ways, habits, views etc.
  • Try to understand and accept their ways and habits. If you start looking at them in a critical manner, you would find hundreds of things that you can change about them, so change your perspective.
  • Spend time with each other. If there are things you really want to be changed, it can be done with mutual discussions.
  • Instead of talking to the outside world about your relationship problems, try talking to your partner itself. Talking with them would definitely sort most (if not all) matters.
  • Try to reflect on what you feel and think about your partner, if you feel deep down that you can work out your problems, despite your differences, then try to do that.
  • Most importantly, assess your views on them. It is very much possible that you may hold some untrue notions or ideas about your partner, which can easily be rectified upon being checked.

  So, try to use these techniques in your own relationship to ensure that it doesn’t get rattled by such issues.

  July 13, 2018

  fights, healthy relationship, how to solve, latest, life, long distance, new, problems, Relationship, solving fights, trending

  ---

• A surprising problem in relationships

  In this ultra-social era, we are constantly talking about others and ourselves without thinking twice about its consequences. This oversharing of information and preoccupation with others leads to conflicts, bitterness and often a disintegration of relationships. Amidst a huge amount of facts and details on relationships, there is a surprising problem in relationships and astonishingly no one actually talks about it.

  So today we are going to explore a surprising problem in relationships, i.e. how talking ‘about others’ and talking ‘about us’ can lead to problems in a relationship.

  “I think for any relationship to be successful, there needs to be loving communication, appreciation, and understanding.” -Miranda Kerr

  Talking about others

  The surface of most relationships starts cracking when the talk between the two partners starts to centre on ‘others’, rather than themselves.

  We’re social beings, living in an ultra-social era as stated before. Hence it is very natural that, while conversing, two people would brush upon the lives of other people. That other person might be/ might not be in good books of the couple. Perhaps, he/she might be in good books of one partner, and not so liked by the other partner. Eventually, yet unintentionally the couple ends up making the ‘other’ person the sole topic of their conversation for a long time. Their often contrasting views on her/him then become the cause of discord and disagreements between them.

  Try to think of the recent conversation you had with your loved one, and think about how much time you let slip by, talking about another person.

  As talks between the two partners shift from being focused on them to ‘others’ who are often insignificant in their lives, their bonds start to wear off. Worse, the slight disagreements on the ‘other’ people lead to heated arguments. Thus, begins the process of disintegration of a healthy relationship.

  Talking about each other

  A successful relationship is not the one where there are zero fights or 100 agreements. It is the one wherein there are fights, disagreements, arguments, and every single thing that may seem like a head-long war to the inexperienced eye. But here lies the catch, these frequent (or not so frequent) banters occur NOT with the motive to put one’s partner down, or to prove him/her wrong. They occur so as to reach a healthy conclusion. As said earlier, it isn’t a pre-requisite that two partners in love need to have everything in common, even the disagreements and differences of opinions are a sign of love!

  Such arguments should not provoke you to go outside and chat with your colleagues/friends about bickering with your spouse/partner. AVOID GOSSIPING about your partner. It is a very common habit to discuss our relationships with our friends or whosoever we hold close to our hearts. Seldom have we realized these seemingly trivial chats with our mates, is another way where cracks start developing in a smooth-going relationship.

  It is high time that we stop talking about our respective partners in a negative manner. You can talk about your partner or discuss your relationship, but it should be done in a manner that is respectful to your partner and your relationship.

  

  Here comes the redeeming ray of hope: WHAT TO DO?

  As for the first issue, the solution is just a simple technique.

  Stop talking about others and start talking about yourselves (In your relationship)

  Be it a marital relationship or any other kind of relationship, it is immensely crucial that the two people find time to actually talk to one another about themselves. Regardless of how long two people have been together, they could never say that they fully know each other. Knowing a person takes a lifetime, and at times even that may not suffice.

  “Real magic in relationships means an absence of judgment of others.” -Wayne Dyer

  These are some simple things you can start doing:

  • Start talking about each other- your dreams, thoughts and so on.
  • Take a decision to be completely honest and open with each other
  • Discover newer likes and dislikes of your partner’s as well as your own
  • Find parallels between their aspirations and your priorities
  • Dig out each other’s deepest fears, insecurities, and secrets
  • Seek apologies for your shortcomings and forgiving them for theirs
  • Most importantly, look into their eyes and drown for some time in the depths of love they bear for you (Enjoy the silence).

  As for the second one, the strategy is again a simple one, but tough to adhere to.

  Stop talking about each other and start talking to each other

  Yes, it sounds pretty similar to the one mentioned above, and in many ways it really is, yet it is much more complex to apply. Talking about your respective partner to an outsider won’t help you or your existing relationship. It might provide you with temporary respite, but the real problem would still exist. Moreover, the third person would be able to view the situation just from your perspective and thus may provide you with a biased opinion. Applying that incomplete and often inappropriate formula to your relationship would only enhance the damage.

  “People must be taken as they are, and we should never try making them or ourselves better by quarrelling with them.” – Edmund Burke 

  Some simple things you can start doing:

  • Do not taunt your partner in a demeaning manner, about their ways, habits, views etc.
  • Try to understand and accept their ways and habits. If you start looking at them in a critical manner, you would find hundreds of things that you can change about them, so change your perspective.
  • Spend time with each other. If there are things you really want to be changed, it can be done with mutual discussions.
  • Instead of talking to the outside world about your relationship problems, try talking to your partner itself. Talking with them would definitely sort most (if not all) matters.
  • Try to reflect on what you feel and think about your partner, if you feel deep down that you can work out your problems, despite your differences, then try to do that.
  • Most importantly, assess your views on them. It is very much possible that you may hold some untrue notions or ideas about your partner, which can easily be rectified upon being checked.

  So, try to use these techniques in your own relationship to ensure that it doesn’t get rattled by such issues.

  July 13, 2018

  fights, healthy relationship, how to solve, latest, life, long distance, new, problems, Relationship, solving fights, trending

  ---